Deception point

It’s true that you must not judge a book by it's cover or a man(/woman) by his face. But it is not always what it looks like either. Sure we all know this! For a moment, though it sounds pixilated, it’s important for you to penetrate through the muscular veneers. Ignore the sparkling jewel. Quite paradoxical it is, like the many other things in life, but it’s never too late to learn if you do not want to be walked all over! It’s better than being sorry later, isn’t it?

Talk about being nice!

I have learnt to smile and keep mum. Have learnt new ways to react to the flat and flavourless word "nice"! "Everything" and "everyone" is nice in this world. The quote line is "It's not about you, it's about other people".

It wouldn't be right on my part if I do not confess here that I am tired of being "nice" as good, or rather, "nice" it feels to be "nice" (pun intended)! As tempting as it might be, I am not here to whine. It sure takes away the glitter and glamour of the very face you are trying to put up. All of us wear a mask. Every mask has a different shade. We parade with paper faces and crumble and trash it at the end of the day. Look around and there is another face, I mean, "mask" around you. Let's give in a few exceptions as does every rule! But then, hide your face and the world will never find you. This world is like an entertainment industry with its sordid gains and vantage points. I surely have profited from it as much as I have given to it. Whining about it rather would be hypocritical. But wonder if this is how I want it to be or rather I want to be?!

Open up – espresso yourself!

A quick break. Moments you wanna cherish with someone. A chance to relax and reflect. A rainy day. Some such moments and more are incomplete without a rich, dark hot cup of coffee. The modern world is full of coffee moments….. Coffee wakes us up, perks us up and brings a clarity to our senses. It gets us moving and ready to face the tasks ahead. Coffee is a celebrated grandeur in itself. The taste and aroma of coffee just opens you up as does the song by Nescafe. An amazingly refreshing song. Beautifully picturised. Wonderfully sung by Aguilar Shunza. Check out the music video. It’s class apart! And the lyrics, so insightful and immensely meaningful. I being an avid coffee drinker, this is one of my favourite ads. Truly a spirited and an inspring melody.



You can be rich
With no money to spend,
You can do everything
When you understand…


You can be mother
When you are a man,
Open up…
You know that you can…


Open your eyes
Open your mind
Open your thoughts
Don't stay behind…
Open up, open up…


The key is inside you
To open your mind,
You know what is out there
Your heart can't be blind…


Open your eyes
And open your mind
Open your thoughts
Don't stay behind…
Open up, open up…


Erase all the borders
And start in your head.
Open your mind
To thoughts seldom said…


Open your eyes
And open your mind
Open your thoughts
Don't stay behind…
Open up, open up…

It's time people open up... to their hearts!

<< Re-wind

My mind is always under a flux of random unrelated thoughts and of what-if scenarios. They are sometimes so intense that either I have beads of sweat on my forehead or it is hot to touch. Perhaps if my brain were to be a circuit board, it would burn! It is so difficult to quiet my mind. I just can’t rest or put myself to sleep. Guess what, I have tried different types of meditation to stop my mind from thinking soooooo much (wasteful thinking mostly!). I wish it were more constructive and I could put it to good use. I have tried to cultivate and channelize it but much to my dismay, I am always out of patience!

I have had and continue to have ‘déjà vu’ moments that are absolutely indescribable. Perhaps no body will ever understand, believe me or take me seriously if I told them. I hate to make a fool of my self doing so because people consider me a clown already! Or on another note the person standing next to me is feeling the same thing or one of you feels this way too. I have no clue for nobody has ever told me anything of that sort. The feeling is so surreal and strange that sometimes I gotta pinch myself to get back to moving from the frozen state of déjà vu! It’s phenomenal. Especially when it comes to the eerie feeling of “I-have-met/seen-this–person-somewhere-before” or the famous “I-have-been-in-this-situation/place-before”!! God help me. My PP has given up on me already!

Speaking of Déjà vu, PP suggested to watch the Denzel Washington (he is my favourite. Love his deep baritone voice) starrer, time travel thriller movie ‘Déjà vu and I did. After all this, I had to. Though it doesn’t seem possible, I was still pushing for a “Why-not?” thought process. In the process, I thought, if only God gave me a chance to re-live a period or pick a dead person to bring back to life, then it should be my chweeeet granny. I mostly account what I am today to her. She was a versatile genius and perhaps if she ever had a chance to graduate from college, she would have ruled the world. I salute her. I have seen no one like her and will neva see one like her too I guess. She was a strong woman, silent but there is nothing that she didn’t know. Even at the age of 84 she was fit like a 12 year old. Her enthusiasm and curiosity was contagious as was her humility. A lot of them could benefit from her. Am yet to see a person like my Doddajji. I’ll consider myself lucky even if I am ten per cent like her.

Anyways, coming back to what I was thinking, it would be unfair that God just gave me a chance. Perhaps, everybody on this earth must be given such a chance. And then I thought, what a mess the world will become if the evil people wanted there evil successors back!! Uff… It’s hard to imagine what more shall happen to the already dreadful ongoings on planet earth. We don’t have a suitable planet yet to take refuge too!! Perhaps, the world will end sooner that it must!! 2012, if it must? Nayyyyy. Who knows!? GOSH, crazy isn’t it?

Alright, I have two questions for you.
Tell me,
1. Have you experienced déjà vu?
2. If you were given a boon to bring one person back to life, who would it be and why?

Meme me

My dear friend Chaitra tagged me on this meme and it was long pending. Memes are really fun and gives you a chance to think something witty on your feet.. SO here it is, the questionnaire:

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 2. Write down what it says:
I am reading “eat, pray,love” by Elizabeth Gilbert and it’ss beside me right now. The line 2 of page 18 reads, “ ……, because I considered even that to be an act of war. I wanted to be all Gandhi about this.”

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
I have my hands laid on some throw pillows.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
That was a long back, say about 20 days. We unsubscribed coz of the service provider’s poor service. And the last thing I watched was episode 2 of a series called “Lie to me”, season 3. It’s a very engrossing investigative serial starring the talented Tim Roth where he (a scientist) and his colleagues solve cases based on psychology and come to conclusions by analyzing micro expressions and encoding the facial actions and body language.

4. WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:
I saw the time just 2 minutes back. So I guess it’s 2:44 PM.

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
Okay, fine, it’s 2:46 PM!

6.With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
I’ll take a moment to listen.. Okay, I can hear the AC gurgle, the hissing of the geese (Family fights, I presume. They are very aggressive. And fierce), chirping of the birds (I can see sparrows and grackle on my patio. They are feeding on the rice and seeds I have spilled), rustling of the tree leaves coz of the heavy breeze (Fall is almost here.. Yay!!) and the fountain in the lake.

7.When did you last step outside? where did you go?
Yesterday. We had been to Henry Doorly zoo in Omaha, Nebraska. Visited our relatives, the gorillas and had a hearty talk with them (Loved it). They were so expressive. The best part is Gorillas are as intelligent as I am [WINK with a LAUGH] and are herbivorous!! Ta daaa…
Visited the Ganesha temple. It has a very peaceful ambience and I put up an instant smile when I enter that temple. The calm instills instantly in your mind. Came home after a hearty dinner at India Garden! Slurrrppp.. slurrrppp…

8.Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
The obvious – my gmail account, facebook, CNN and the times of India e-paper.

9.Did you dream last night?
Oh god.. my dreams are Inception unlimited. And I almost always have scary weird dreams.
Last night I was traveling in a ship and when we were just about to land, we were hit by a HUUUUGE tidal wave and before I could even realize, we were all under water. But the very next moment I was seemingly safe in a massive haunted building near my school in KGF which is inundated. Some unpleasant thing happens there too. Can’t recollect that one.

10.When did you last laugh?
My laugh is never just a laugh, it’s demonic. I laughed my heart out this afternoon for a PJ Sree cracked! He is very spontaneous and has a good sense of humor.[A wide smile]

11. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Lots of things. My walls are never bare. Phew…. A peaceful smiling Shiva’s photo in meditation, a couple of scones, 2 Chinese lucky charms in red, 3 paintings, an asian inspired serial light, a set of 3 flying birds made of bronze, a Kalamkari wooden key holder, the AC mounted on the wall and a small wall plate which says, “My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy!”

12. Who is your latest crush?
It’s undoubtedly Josh Holloway of the LOST fame and Gerard Butler! They are classy. [BLUSH]

13. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
Well, some coffee table books I have been dying to own, a cute pair of black peep-toe pumps by Christian Louboutin I saw in a magazine ad last month (may be) [WINK] and tickets to travel around the world.

14. Tell me something about you that I don’t know:
People who know me, know everything about me. I am pretty much an open book. But if you wanna know something about me that you think you don’t know, SHOOT!

15. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Well, change myself! Havent you heard? Be the change you want to see? Smart innit??
On a serious note, I could put an end to world hunger. I don’t wanna see any soul dying of hunger. I would offer them some love too.

16. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? a boy?
If it’s a girl, then it’s Gargi which means wise woman or Kimaya or Krisha which means divine.
If it is a boy then it could either be Praaket or Swarit.

17. What is the last film you saw?
Broken English – a rom-com. Something very mushy about them and I can never get tired of watching the rom-coms. I always go like “Awwww… How cute. They are sooo much in love” kinds! Liked this film. The screen play is simple and neat. Uncomplicated yet complicated, like love itself.

18. Who is your favourite super-hero?
I don’t know.....Uh, Hanuman, I must say. Some patriotism here, uh!!

19. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Yes, am living here as of now. But settling down, am not too sure yet! I miss India. [Sob-sob]

20. Your favourite sitcoms :
Some favourites include “Paapa Pandu” and “Silly Lalli”, 2 of the most popular kannada sitcoms which were being aired on ETV kannada. I have hardly missed an episode. Miss those days.
That besides, “everybody loves Raymond” and “FRIENDS” are an all-time fav.


Wooo hooo… DONE! That was fairly simple. Anyone who likes this questionnaire may tag themselves. Don’t forget to leave a link. Would be interested to know what you think![Smile]

It's a pain...

... untold, when you cannot manage to see your own face and especially cannot look into your eyes when you face the mirror! [sigh]

Lying low

Two-O-O-nine, has been a year of change for me. From being single to married, Bangalore to West Des Moines, a full time software engineer to a full time home maker and last but not the least from being hyper active to being super passive! All in all a huge CHANGE in my lifestyle!

I have always wanted to repurpose my life since I was quite young. I often ask myself as to what do I still connect with from the past? What am I at present? And what in the future do I really want to be? Questions, questions, questions!! I rarely have an answer for any! Insanity! Sure it is. Sometimes I feel the whole world is insane and it’s driving me crazy. And sometimes I feel utterly stupid and am almost certain that ‘I am’ insane feeling tinier than a dot! It’s an ebb and flow universe. But, we’d rather flow than ebb!

I somewhere feel that my existence is the occasion of multitudinous of peaks and troughs (I know most can put their feet in my shoes). Every other peak and trough I see, I feel like I have been there making me quite old and juiceless, muscles contracting and relaxing. Sometimes, I feel stretched across generations, between the multitasking, technology et al and the unfathomable, accelerated world that we will soon see. There’s no question the world is changing and changing rapidly at that. But we are at an unusual moment in time. Some of this change is within our control, but much of it seems thrust upon us. We can either view change with fear or welcome it with a sense of excitement and wonder. While we cannot control the change in the world, we can take charge of it within our sphere of influence.

Am myself - a whole lot of mess, failure, embarrassment, indecision, setbacks, wrong moves, extensive reading of nonsense, crazy ideas and thoughts, endless convos with even a stone, days and nights of dreaming, loss of my favourite people, fights with my favourite people, issues of bumps, scars, weight and anger, broken dreams, nerve wrenching betrayals, unnecessary argument over nothing and a lot more which caused pain and a bereaved me!!! But I am not hollow and never full of shit like I have come across a lot of them to be. At least I know that I have been true to myself. I have had my share of luxury and success but that doesn’t help at this point. What eva people may consider of me I know I am not that and there is scope for improvement for what I want to be and where I want to be. May be it’s lack of direction, trust, encouragement or appreciation at the right time. May be, and it’s true that I never had the courage to voice my opinion, ALOUD. Or may be, it’s just me – a confused soul. Okay, so the real issue is how do I stop being who am not!!? I feel like I must relieve myself of the false fronts of people pleasing, the need for waiting for someone to pamper, back pat and pet me like a dog, the backpack of old pain, the fear of ‘what-will-they-think-of-me-if-i-say/do-this’! I have to learn to say no. No with a full stop. That’s a complete sentence!

At this point, simplifying my life is the greatest gift I can give myself. For any of you feeling the same, it begins with getting rid of clutter in our lives. The first thing is to purge the so called baggage (Baggage holds different meaning for different people at a given point in time!), that no longer has meaning for us so we can make room for a meaningful life ahead. But trust me, that can be a BIG chore in itself and it drains mighty energy out of you. Am sure you agree. I have tried filling the soul and pleasing the senses. And am tired of trying! I fail to understand “that something” (the lil umbilical cord between the past and the present!) that is still holding me back and asking me to take a peek-a-boo every now and then! I just can’t quell the unexplainable fear of losing “something”. As if I shall be transported to a no man’s land if I ever got rid of it. I panic. There’s fear.

What if I am actually scared of change? The awful thing about change is that we want it as much as we fear it. Like I said before, whether I want it or not, the world changes and with it you must. Even if you think you aren’t, you are indirectly a participant. Like butterfly effect! They will be taking place all the time from something very insignificant( like they don’t get your favourite chocolate or make your favourite lip balm) to something mighty( death of a loved one, change of a ruling party et al). Being safe isn’t safe anymore either. Just everything changes whether we want it or not. That’s how this universe functions. There is a constant motion of particles. The best thing is to understand, complain(quietly) and accept it as I have all these years or may be you could take tiny lil steps to make a difference, at least to yourself. Getting old, dying, getting sick, losing what is dear to us is beyond our control. Purely surrendering to what is unknown. And a few mundane things like change of plans, coffee spilling on the carpet, forgetting your dear one’s birthdays or anniversaries happen too. I sure can be mad at someone or life – or not. I can be disappointed – but not mad too, for it is the way it is. May be I could forgive and forget. Though I have practiced it for years, now it seems impossible. Why can’t people just be careful and mind what they say or do? May be that could bring in change we want to see on the table. I guess, a lil grousing helps now and then. May be the trick is to accept that change is sometimes wonderful, sometimes not, often disturbing and always happening.

Let me tell you my worry. I actually do not know where to begin. What to put out and what to hold on to. I am almost always dancing, spinning and tumbling in thin air on silk banners hanging from nowhere. I do not truly understand where to start. I can’t follow my instincts for it is hibernating and I do not know where even to search for it. If given a chance, I could undo and redo a whole lot of things from 1998 to 2008. A mighty lot. It could have done a different treatment to me. You know – “IF ONLY”!! [Sigh] I do not know what I want to do now. I prefer to borrow from psychologist Abraham Maslow. He says, “It isn’t normal to know what we want. It is a rare and difficult psychological achievement”. To begin to find a whole new vocation, the calling of your life, it is not simply enough to ask yourself what you want to do. I have had hundred and one dreams since I was a child. I want to become all the hundred and one things if given time, space and a chance. But that is not the point as you and I both understand it. There is no time left for trial and error. I have the need to feel significant in this universe, a tiny bit. That I have something worthwhile to contribute to this universe in this lifetime. To make a small difference if not become a Mahatma or a Lincoln or anyone famous.


For now, I have realized I need to stop. And rest and take a good look! I am wasting more time – radically, on purpose. Am definitely lying low. But am sowing the seeds of change…hopefully. If we are how we live, then it's worth getting busy making it about who I want to be! May I soon find the right tread to walk on. Wish me luck![Smile]